Joke for the day

[jimmy828]

2 christian guy's were talking after church one day and the subject of how pretty the day was going to be and as they were talking a couple of motorcycle riders went cruising by them. One fellow looked at the other and suggested that they should purchase a bike each and go riding on Sunday afternoons. That following week they had done just that. After church one Sunday they decided to go riding on their new bikes. As they were cruising down the road they came up on a slow vehicle in front of them. They both decided to pass the vehicle and as they were passing a semi topped the hill and hit head on with the bikers. It killed both of them instantly. Since the 2 guys were christians they were on their way to heaven. They found themselves standing at the gates along side with their bikes. Standing at the gate was ST. Peters. St peters told them that they were allowed in heaven but the bikes had to stay outside the gates. AS they were confronting ST. Peters about the bikes they heard a loud rumble coming from the other side of gate and out from a white cloud come a fellow dressed in white, had long white beard and was riding a Harley Davidson. The guys ask St Peters why can't we carry our bikes in if that guy has his in there. St. Peters replied. hold on guys, that is JC, His old man owns this place

[crazyhorse]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect..
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied,
'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've already changed my will three times!'

[390bump]

A priest and a taxi driver both die. The priest ends up in hell while the taxi driver goes to heaven. Outraged, the priest asks God why??? God says when you were preaching everyone was sleeping... when the taxi driver was driving, the passengers in the back seat were praying!!! BTW, that was post 390!

[chad67]

A man is playing golf when a funeral procession goes by. He notices a fellow golfer as he removes his hat and places it over his heart. When the funeral goes by, the man places his hat back on his head and continues to play. The man approaches the golfer and says, "your act of respect really touched me!" The golfer responds, "we were married for 50 years, it was the least I could do!"

[crazyhorse]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her,
"How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked
"What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said.
"I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said.




"I just use their last name!"

[crazyhorse]

Two brooms are getting married.
Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom,
"I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says,
"How can that be possible?


We haven't even swept together!"

[crazyhorse]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said,

"Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[sargentrs]

Good one!

[chad67]

The year is 1850 and the newly married couple are on their way to their new home after the wedding. As they ride in the groom's wagon, the horse gets a little excited and gives the wagon a little jerk. "That's one!" the groom yells. A little further down the road, the horse stumbles on a rock and gives the wagon another jolt. "That's two!" the groom calls out. Shortly, the horse slides on some loose gravel and shakes the wagon. "That's three!" the groom announces and promptly gets out of the wagon and shoots the horse dead. The bride in sheer unbelief exclaims, "Oh my God! I can't believe you did that to that poor animal! What kind of heartless man did I marry?!?" The groom calmly looks at her and says, "That's one!"

[crazyhorse]

Mr Chad,
Mr Bump,
Mr jimmy,
Those are all good ones.

[crazyhorse]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said,
"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you
don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said,
"No, I
don't have a Case,
but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you
have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit.
I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said,
"Well sir, does your
wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.

"WHY
DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says,
"Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her."

[crazyhorse]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize
you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

So yes, I do know you.'

The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,

'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do.
I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone,
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife.

So yes, I do know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

At that time the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and,
in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,



I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[crazyhorse]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.

SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said..

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A old farmer cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new truck!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a *old farmer* cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!


- Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

[chad67]

I am the man of my house! As a matter of fact, I had my wife on her hands and knees begging and pleading with me just last night. She said, "Please, PLEASE!! Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

[crazyhorse]

A bed time short story..

One day a long, long time ago,
there lived a woman that did not whine, nag, or bitch.....

But it was on ONE day a long, long time ago,

and it was just that ONE day... The End